The Most Vulnerable Thing I’ve Put on the Internet

Earlier this year, I took to the airwaves and submitted a voice note to the Girl on Girl Podcast, which had inspired me with an interview with Humberly Gonzalez from Ginny & Georgia.

Initially, I clung to the idea of anonymity and starting writing the piece below. But, ultimately, I decide to rip the Band-Aid right off and tell my own story, with my own voice.

However, today, on Coming Out Day, I re-read my initial piece and thought I’d share. Or, if you’re interested, you can also check out my submission to the podcast, which I’ll embed below.

“I had been crushing on one of my best friends at work for over a year. But, the perfect shit storm happened, and our friendship dissolved. I was in so much pain that I had to go deep on the bench for help.

After a few weeks, and ongoing issues at work, I told the truth to my friends and my family about the situation. I needed help, I needed support.

I went from not SAYING A WORD ABOUT THIS WHOLE QUEER BUSINESS for 20+ years to telling my best friends and family…and then my periphery friends, as well. I felt like all the doors I had kept locked for all my life flooded open at once, and I almost couldn’t stop talking about it once I got going. 

And, I needed to. Because that shit with my now-former friend hurt like a motherf*cker.

I always told myself I would come out if I had a good reason. I felt physically attracted to men. Some of my deepest feelings had been towards men. So, why not just let that “straight side” be assumed until I had a reason to reveal the rest? I mean — why would you open yourself up for judgement, persecution, and behind-the-back convo if you didn’t have a damn good reason? Playing it safe in the “assumed straight” lane seemed the smartest path.

Y’know what the crazy thing is? One of my siblings is gay. Yet, for whatever reason, I didn’t feel comfortable even discussing this with them until I was 32. Or anyone. I siloed this part of myself to the Internet, finding community in forums, Twitter, and Tumblr in safe spaces where I felt I could anonymously express myself and participate in community in ways that I wasn’t yet comfortable expressing in real life. 

I filled my free time with queer media and iconic ships like Spashley (South of Nowhere), Clexa (The 100), and Naomily (Skins), and lived vicariously through their experiences. Finding community and increased representation and depictions of queerness as “normal” in media has been integral to me feeling confident enough to be my full self.  

My first foray into “real-life” queer community was meeting up with people in Vancouver who were fans of The 100 whom I’d connected with on Twitter. This was really the first time that I could openly be my queer self. It was kind of thrilling. In this space, with these people, it was ASSUMED I wasn’t straight. It was almost exhilarating. 

Had I known how many queer people were actually around me – how I was in no way an “other” – or had more characters on TV whom I related to earlier, I might have been more open sooner. One of the most surprising things to me when I was coming out and telling my story, was that multiple people I had assumed were straight, actually identified as queer. So, I know WE ARE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. 

The pandemic happened shortly after coming out, so nothing fundamentally has changed in my life since, but I do feel ready for whatever’s next. Nothing has changed with my close friends, which was actually kind of surprising since I had always built it up in my mind that this would inevitably shift and change these dynamics.

For so much of my life, I had lived in fear of rejection, or being judged, or being viewed as different in a negative way for this part of myself. I can’t say I felt “free” when I came out as a queer, but I think the future will be better knowing that I can talk about who I’m crushing on – regardless of their gender – instead of having it locked away in my head.

I can’t know what my teenage or young adult years would have looked like had I felt that my queerness was not “otherness.”

I hope the next generation has more than just beloved TV characters to squirrel their hopes and dreams into. I hope they can find their communities not just online, but in their real lives. And, have immediate examples in their own lives of people who they can relate to that make them feel normal, along with supportive friends and family who fully accept them for being exactly who they are.

If so, I might have been able to be my full self 17 years sooner.”

Honestly, even months after initially writing this, I struggle with posting this personal story. I’m still very much on a journey of discovering who I am and who I like. There is no box that I feel comfortable ticking, or definition of who I might like in the future. I’m hopeful that with the unconditional acceptance I have found around me, I can continue on that journey feeling supported and loved. And, I wish that for everyone.

Merry Coming Out Day to those who feel comfortable sharing their story, and to the great many who are still finding the strength, support, and safety to do so.