I’ve received some really kind messages on my previous post: The Most Vulnerable Thing I’ve Put on the Internet from a few weeks ago. In fact, it’s my most-viewed post since the one that randomly blew up about Canadian Speedskating (hallo Dutch followers!). However, there are two responses I’ve heard a lot when sharing about my queerness that I’d like to illuminate MY perspective on in the hopes that this can guide conversations you might have in the future. Again, this is how I receive these responses, and other people may differ from me.
Response 1) “It’s not a big deal.”
I love that sharing my queerness with you does not change our relationship at all. That is most-excellent. It is THE outcome I hoped for. But, sharing this with you is a big deal to me. I am keenly aware of how sharing this could change things for me in some not-so-great ways. Most queer people have personally witnessed homophobia happening right in front of them and are intimately aware of how lives can, and have been, negatively impacted by coming out or being outed. Sharing this with you means I may have to deal with that as a potential outcome. So, to me, this comment is very minimizing of my experience. Ultimately, I needed a really good reason (in my case being very hurt) to share this with even my closest friends and family, some 20+ years after I knew this about myself. So, to me, telling people is a big deal.
>> Instead, try: “Thank you for sharing this with me. This doesn’t change our relationship at all.”
Response 2) “You must feel so much lighter/freer now.”
I heard this right off the bat from the first person I told about my queerness. It’s often what’s portrayed in media when characters come out. But, this narrative that once you share your truth that things suddenly feel A-OK and you’re suddenly 100% owning yourself, well…it’s not my experience. I have a lot of work to do to unlearn years of hiding the queer part of myself. I still feel very vulnerable and generally WEIRD about sharing this with people, even 2 years after initially doing so. Whilst the responses I have gotten back are positive, I know there are people out there who might feel differently about me…including work colleagues, employers etc. – and that’s scary. I’m happy that you support me, but it’s not necessarily a light-switch to feeling 100% awesome or comfortable.
>> Instead, try: Thank you for sharing this with me. How can I support you?
I’ve also put a great post below from Teaching Outside the Binary on things that be helpful to say to someone who is coming out to you (that I think could be extended to a host of topics), as well as this post on Autostraddle, which resonated with me.
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